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c. Align expectations appropriately. This is closely related to “a.” above. One of the fundamental sources of stress is inappropriate expectations for both self and others. When the expectations of others are completely unreasonable, a great deal of stress can build up for both individuals. Adults and older teens have some responsibility for allowing these unreasonable expectations placed upon them by others to be stressful; however, and especially when speaking of young children (who do not have the understanding that the expectation is unreasonable), it can cause significant stress. Now there could be a great deal of disagreement on what a reasonable expectation may be. It is not the same for everyone. Whether it be for a spouse, employees, employers, or children, there are some extreme examples. You can not expect someone to know what you are thinking (they may from time to time but it is an unreasonable expectation), you can not expect an 8 or 9 year old child to cook all the meals or keep his or her baby sibling safe for extended periods of time and you can not expect others to fix everything or take care of you all the time (unless you have a very significant disability, illness, and/or are very very young or very very old (even people in these situations need to have reasonable responsibility and control over self). We all need to take responsibility for ourselves to the extent possible (for many of us, more is possible than we wish to admit). We need to have reasonable expectations of others. We need to develop an appropriate locus of control and self-efficacy (which we’ll talk about later) and our own goals and expectations need to be reasonable. While unreasonable expectations can cause undue stress to all involved, reasonable expectations can actually help to create a feeling of safety, security and even self-efficacy with appropriate training, tools and support. Remember that what is reasonable is a moving target with increasingly extended and expanding expectations being reasonable as the individual grows and matures.
21 comments:
This is absolutely true as a childcare provider I have absolutely learned over the years that I cannot expect the same tthings from all the children I care for. These children all come from different homes, families and lifestyles...what I expect out of my own children may be vastly different from what I expect out of someone elses child. For example: my younger children have been in a daycare setting since they were tiny. They have always had to share. They have been working on things like manners, empathy, and just the simple things that go with dealing with other people their whole lives. I cannot expect a three year old that has never been in daycare to be as good at sharing, anger management, dispute resolution etc. as my children are since they have had more practice. And even with their years of practice in these areas, they still have moments where they get upset and make wrong choices.
We need to make sure that we understand the differences in each child and try to guide them in the right direction. Even with help and guidance the individuality of people means that not everyone will end up with the same results. Just like if you give 2 children a pile of blocks and tell them to make a building, one might build a house and another builds a firestation. You can give a child the same tools and opportunities, and you cannot expect them to turn into the same person. I do not expect all of the children I care for to act the same, do the same things, or to always be nice, but the one thing I expect out of all of them is that they TRY. Trying new things and trying to improve ourselves is the way we learn and grow. That is true for adults and children. Since we know these things as adults, we should expect ourselves to try new things and ideas especially in terms of dealing with our children.
Trying is the main thing! I agree with "DDF" You can not expect the same behaviors from a 2 year old as you can from say a 6 year old. They only thing we should expect out of each other (children including) is that we try. But we have to let everyone try at their own pase and their own comfort level or it will add more stress and be more "harmful" to an indivual then if they had never tried in the first place.
this is also true with punishment for different children. When one punishment works for one child and not another it can be stressful to find something that will work.
As a parent of a 6yr old and 8yr old daughters, I'd say that this is the biggest challenge and stress inducing one of them all, not knowing what expectations are not realistic. I consistently struggle with my daughters with what I expect of each of them. I find myself expecting much too much out of my oldest one and much too little out of my younger one. I think the others put it right on the money with that you just have to try, there really is no full on "knowing". If you know you are doing your best and you know that you are trying, and that the ones you are projecting your expectations on are trying, then it should remove the stress from everyone. I will think that the next time my daughters don't full fill my expectations of what I think is the "right way" of doing something, "they are trying and that's a pretty great thing." Lastly, I think it's important to realize that our own hangups and expectations may not be the ONLY way, others' have their way of doing things and learning things and that's alright too, a hard lesson for those of us who like to control every aspect of their environment! :)
Is it alright for you and your child to come up with expectations together. Example, parent(s) expect child to get homework done for school everynight. Child expects parent(s) to let them hang out with friends on the weekends. Is something like this alright?
Absolutely; however, the parent is the one who decides how much latitude their is for negotiation.
As a mother of four and a childcare worker I learned early that every child is different. They all learn differently and respond differently but the common tool of showing them respect nd teaching them to respect others seems to generally work with all children. And one thing we should all anticipate is children pressing their limits.
Just as long as you dont totally eliminate expectations and goals and what you are willing to and capable of achieving. I also think that if you expect way less that what it possible, that is what you will get. If you also let people and children know of your expectations they will be more likely to try to meet those. Then give a positive reinforcement for their efforts.
Katie Bowman
RK said...
Having a family meeting and setting up expectations and consequences early and adjusting when needed give a sense of importance to each family member. Parents can use these times when teaching values and listening to their childrens concerns and building relationships. Keeping communication OPEN is always the best as we raise our children.
Child care providers are in a little bit different situation than just working with your own family, but the concepts can work in both situations. You can have a group meeting with your day care children, discuss the rules and expectations, why they are important and let the children's input be valued. Then they will internalize the expectations better, and try harder to improve. Teaching forgiveness is important as well, as each of us make mistakes and need to be forgiven. Giving children feedback, especially when they are doing something well or improving their ability to meet an expectation, will really motivate them to keep trying!
Giving the children tings that they can do and helping tem will help with their self-efficancy. It's great when a child accomplishes someting they didn't think they could do. Make sure that you know each child so that you don't overwhelm them.
I agree with you Katie- We have to give children things that they can do, with trying, and encourage them to push to complete their tasks. We are educating the future and we want our future to be full of confidence.
Tiffany Gilmore
I think sometimes it is good to learn what other parents are going through, when setting expectations. I found that when I talked to other student parents with high stress levels, and they talked about their child's development who was about the same age as my daughter, it helped me. I realized that we don't have to be perfect, but we do have to try to be positive. Like the original post says, we should help our children have reasonable expectations based on their level of development and control too, not say negative things and make them feel responsible for stressful event that they can't control. Sometimes talking to others also helps you understand where your expectations are just by talking out what you want rationally.
the internal vs external video was eye opening for me
This is really interesting to think about, but makes total sense. It is interesting to think about how sometimes it is important to ask less of a child, so that they can actually achieve it and learn and then more easily move on to what might be the overarching goal you were looking towards the whole time. Working in childcare, especially with different ages, it is very clear how not all children develop or learn skills at the same rate-or even the same order. Today I did puzzles with a girl who although clearly behind most of her class verbally is a pro at finding where puzzle pieces go. It can be difficult to know what to expect of different students, especially those further from the norm without getting to know them well. It is also difficult, but important, to have different expectations and goals for the various students all within one class. I think that is something I will try to focus on this next week as I am working with a group of toddlers I am still getting to know.
Just as long as you dont totally eliminate expectations and goals and what you are willing to and capable of achieving. I also think that if you expect way less that what it possible, that is what you will get. If you also let people and children know of your expectations they will be more likely to try to meet those. Then give a positive reinforcement for their efforts. leah freek
This one hits so many spots in my life. As a new wife, I have to NOT EXPECT for my husband to do everything the way I would do it. I have been alone for a while and there are certain ways that I have done things. I catch myself REMINDING myself often that everyone has their own way. As I parent, I try not to put my children on the same level. I know that Corey may not be able to do what Hannah could at eight years old. this also holds true for my students. EVERYONE is different. One way to cut down on the stress level that this could bring is by THINKING first.
I just realized I need to make more realistic expectations for myself!! I often make a "to do" list that is a mile long! It is rare that I ever finish more than 5 things off of it. That is not on my daily to do list! I most certainly dont want my children to have unrealistic goals but I do want them to strive to be the best they can be!
I know I would not want to be left with a job my boss expected me to dothis and I had no idea one how to do it. This happened to my oldest son on his first job. The boss had his sone drop my son off at a customers house to install some steel rails along their sidewalk. The bosses son suppose to show my son how instead he gave him the supplies and said do it, and ran off to a movie. My son did know how to do it correct , he did it the best way he knew how and of course it was not the best, and the customer complained afterwards and my son got fired which was not fair.
This has really helped open my eyes to how I can help children in my class. Even if I treat them all equally and give them all the same opportunities, they could all react so differently. DDF had a great point about how you can give two children blocks and tell them to make a building and they could both make something different. its crazy for us to expect all the children to be getting what they need at home to grow into children who know how to react with others, and have to tools to continue growing them. So as childcare providers we need to cater to the needs of each individual child, understanding their home life and know what we can do in the time they are with us to help them grow in areas that they may not be growing in at home.
Appropriate expectations definitely make my day go smoother. Younger kids do not have the maturity to do certain tasks or to behave the way an older child would do.
In preparing a special snack for daycare, I know that the 3 year old's won't have a long attention span to go over a detailed recipe. 3-4 steps is about what I can expect from them. My older kids can write down the recipe and follow the instructions with limited help from me. That's why I love to have the older kids help the younger ones. It gives them a sense of accomplishment & the younger kids like the extra attention.
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