For more information on cognitive dissonance and stress click here.
a. Decrease the dissonance between levels of control and expectations of control. One common source of stress comes from the belief that some have developed that they should have control over people and areas where they do not, or even should not have control. For example, as a parent of grown children, ideally your children are prepared for life and can and will make good decisions. From time to time they may approach you for help or advice but most of the time they will not. On the other hand, you may have significant concerns (justified or not) about your adult child and you may constantly attempt to control them. Unless they do everything you ask, which would be unfortunate, there will be stress. It is the same if the other person is a sibling, friend, neighbor etc. (There are times when all you can do is love, without enabling, have a crucial conversation or two, love some more without enabling, pray and have faith.) We want children to develop self control, initiation and motivation, making good choices within appropriate boundaries. While they need to learn that you and other caring adults are there to help; there needs to always be a proper balance, and appropriate boundaries, which change developmentally as the child matures. This goes both ways. Parents who are too strict, too permissive or too enabling will set their child and themselves up for future stress and difficulties. The Serenity Prayer provides some good wisdom for stress reduction. Children need to have their own boundaries and need to learn that others have boundaries and all appropriate boundaries need to be respected.
22 comments:
There are some very good points in this. It's such a difficult area, especially as a mother, because we spend so many years having so much control over our children's lives (especially if we are home with them 24/7). Then come the teenage years when we have to start letting go, and it can be very difficult finding the proper balance when it comes to what we are to control and what we are to let go of. And this can differ from one child to the next. So we go from having black lined boundaries for our younger children, to total gray lines for teens. This causes some teens to test the boundaries more than parents feel is safe (which in turn can cause immense stress). Then as the become young adults we're supposed to let go completely, and many times we feel (sometimes righly so) that even as a young adult they aren't ready to make their own boundaries. But they won't ever get to that point of maturity if we keep treating them as children. It's a catch 22. A child may be more imature and so his parent's treat him accordingly. But that begs the question: Is the problem his immaturity or does he act in response to how he is treated? There is such a fine line between helping our children and hindering them; and once again, that can differ from child to child. The problem is, when we cross over the line into hindering them, we can actually be adding to our own stress because the growing up process can take longer.
As individuals with our own blind spots, are there any material helps out there on the subjects of control and expectations such as questionaires to help us objectively evaluate and assess our own idividual health in these matters.
Because this is so individual it would be very difficult to have an absolutely accurate tool; however, there is a great deal of information out there about what to expect from children who are developing typically. This is a good place to start. http://www.collaboration.me.uk/CHILD_DEVELOPMENT.php
There are many additional assessments that will tell you your child's strengths and you may want to speak with your child's teacher about some of these.
If I did not answer your question, please give me some additional information and I will try to be more exact.
CR Petersen
Every person, whether adult or child, is different! We all have our own quirks. As I work each day in a daycare setting it amazes me to see how we as "adults' expect so much of each child. The norms, like tieing their shoes, using the restroom, putting on coats, that we expect out of the children. Until one comes in that seems "slow" we change those expectations even though that child, with a little direction could do it on their own. Drawing the line is hard and I believe it will always be hard. It's just like Cheryl said its a catch 22.
There are alot of good points here. I am a mother of an eleven year old and there is alot of stress with knowing what kind of boundaries to put up for him. I am constantly trying to figure out how to give him the space he needs to grow on his own and the boundaries he needs to stay under control. It is very difficult.
I appreciate everyone's feedback here...What if my spouse has a different expectation of the levels of control and expectations of control and this causes me stress? In other words, my husband comes home and has different expectations of our children's behavior than I do and it stresses him and our family.
Sometimes it is not really our kids' behavior as it is my husband's stressful day that he brings into our home and projects this onto our kids.
There is an old saying, though it is not always true, that when parents agree, kids succeed. Obviously there are times when both parents can be very wrong. Frequently though, it is very helpful when parents agree. Parents need to take the time to discuss issues together so they can present a united position to their children. It can be especially harmful when children learn that they can manipulate their parents because of disagreement. Somethings will be more important to you and some things will be more important to your spouse. Talk it out and come to agreements you can both support. This does not mean that you always have to be the same towards your children. Each of you brings certain strengths to your children and parenting; however, on major issues, you need to be united and be able to support each other.
Pete
As my own children grow I can see that trying to control their actions is a major cause of stress. This is also reflected at work (at a daycare). A much more powerful tool is influence and choices. I see many parents that exert control over their children only to be left disappointed and upset, this creates an especially unhealthy situation for the child since over time they come to believe that they are incapable. Even the most "messed up" child, given choices and positive influence will begin to grow. I see this everyday.
Theresa Stinnett
I agree with the idea that parents should agree but what if the parents are devorsed and one parent is set on always being right?
Sometimes parents are unwilling or unable to put the child first. This is unfortunate. As a grandparent who frequently has a grandson with us, I know this situation. Sometimes the best you can do it to assure the best possible consistency, love, and training, in your own environment when the child is with you.
Holly B said:
I am a mother of 2 biological children and 2 step children whom do not live with us. I find that both my husband and I have a lot of different levels of control and expectations for all 4 of our children. For example I believe that even though the 2 older children do not live with us they still should help with things around the house. My husband on the other hand lets them get away with only doing little things. The 2 younger children are with us 24/7 and they have set chores that they must do. I also see myself backing away from my step children schooling because I feel that this is not my job as a parent and do not want to step on their mothers toes where as my biological children are my priority to make sure that they do their very best in school. This is something that I think as step parents we struggle with because you aren't sure about your boundaries for control and expectations of control.
I have to say I completly agree with this paragraph. As parents and as teachers we have to learn the balance of holding tight and when to let them be. If they mess up , which they are going to do at times, then we can be there to help.
What do you mean by decreasing the dissonance between levels of contro and expectations of control.
Thanks
Selena
Develop a better understanding of what you actually have control over and exercise control over those things which you actually can.
I have a very active 4 yr. old little boy and it drives me crazy over the thought of him getting hurt. I catch my self following him around so I can prevent as much as I can. In doing so I still treat him like he's just learning to walk. My fiance is always telling me to stop babying him and let him be a little boy. I know that he's right. I need to let my baby grow or he could grow up being as paranoid as me and that wouldn't be good.
We need to remember when it comes to children that they are at different learning levels and we are there to help them grow. We need to let them have some control and learn for themselves but also remember we are there to instruct them. It is not easy when it comes to our own children. Figuring out when to let them go and when to hold on to them.
Well, the second cognitive dissonance video clip made me think of college. Does everyone who graduated say it is so worthwhile/fun/educational/etc because it really wasn't worth it? I have joke, but I'm half serious. I'm going to finish my degree, anyway, though, because I have personally made it a goal for myself that I intend to finish.
My thought on the expectations of control versus actual control is that that does give me stress at work (toddler teacher). My expectations tend to be high and unreasonable. Like, I will keep all six toddlers simultaneously from climbing on low tables, while simultaneously preventing them all from screaming as a game, while simultaneously changing diapers, preparing meals, leading crafts, and preventing any child from hitting or offending any other child. Frankly, that is not humanly possible, so this gives me lots of stress even while I know it is unreasonable. One thing that helps me is to "choose my battles." For example, while I can enforce consequences for screaming (they think it is an entertaining game), I can't prevent them from screaming. Furthermore, considering all that is going on, screaming isn't my highest priority. Probably if I analyze more of the stressful situations at work in light of expected versus actual control, I could lower my stress.
I have a 26 year old about to get married, who has lived away from home since she was 17, step parent issues. I also have other children of various ages, from high school to elementary. There is certainly no "One Rule Fits Everyone". The eldest is amazed at the things that the younger ones are allowed to do that she wasn't, at the same age.
I just shared this with a friend is very controlling over her 25 year old daughter. I dont think she was very happy about reading it, but i hope it might strengthen the relationship between her and the daughter. often we want to protect our children from every woe of the world, but once they reach adulthood it is time for them to make mistakes on their own and learn!
Security is so important when it comes to children - they need to know they are safe and know what boundaries exist.
I agree that we, as parents, have to walk that fine line. We must put boundaries into play BUT without being TOO HARD. In other words, WE HAVE A TOUGH JOB. Being able to balance the two within itself is A STRESSER.
This was very interesting for me to learn about, I hadn't heard of that concept before. If I'm always expecting more out of myself or situations, I'm always going to be let down with the outcome. Although pushing myself is great, sometimes it can go to far and just create stress. By reevaluating a situation and knowing that I may not get the outcome I'm wanting and lowering my expectations, I won't get the let down and the stress of not getting what I originally expected to receive.
Krista Strauch
Post a Comment